Written by Jenni Marsh, MA, Director of Consulting
At times I lack empathy. Empathy is the ability to recognize emotions in others and to understand others’ perspectives about a situation. Empathy demands understanding; understanding requires intentional and active listening.
I first learned the art of listening during graduate school while being trained in crisis intervention. My patients were under immense emotional distress and my ability to extract vital information, connect the dots, and summarize their needs was critical to their well-being and safety. One day, I responded to someone experiencing a traumatic event. I found a young man leaning against a wall, sobbing. I was present. I was silent. I “held space” for his sorrow. He slid down the wall and sat on the floor. I did too. We sat together in silence. It felt right, and to this day I believe it was. What did not cross my mind was his lens. What was this like for him? I quickly understood the value of being truly present and listening to understand another’s point of view, and how that drives my ability to empower clients to pursue growth and healing.
In high-pressure situations, it is natural for humans to go on “autopilot,” and for good reason. It allows us to decipher routine information quickly, reducing our stress and tension so we can conserve energy for more challenging tasks. Yet, going on autopilot provides challenges, as we are not always aware we are doing it. Autopilot behaviors can immensely impact our decisions. On autopilot, we are far less likely to actively listen or consider another’s perspective (Porges, 2011).
When we see another person’s experience through our own lens, the result is often frustration. They make a different decision than we would because the situation elicits a different emotion in them than it does in us (Abramson, 2021). When we as leaders actively listen to understand someone else, there is a stronger likelihood for empathy with the added benefits of fewer task conflicts and stronger relationships.
Why must leaders eliminate their own version of another person’s experience?
Being empathetic requires being able to take the other's perspective. Leaders are tasked with executing directives and many times need the team to pivot quickly to remain on the desired timeline. As a leader, pushing your view is likely to produce two undesirable outcomes. First, teammates may assume you are aware of all blind spots or hurdles and fail to surface elements critical to success. Second, teammates may lose motivation to accomplish desired outcomes.
Leaders should ask questions and listen to others’ perspectives. Leaders must lean into the reality others share, especially when “stuck” in a specific view. Acknowledging differing views can be a catalyst for moving everyone toward a less rigid place. When leaders open the floor to dialogue, valuable insights and a stronger motivation toward shared outcomes are both likely to flourish.
Cultivating curiosity about others’ viewpoints can seem time-consuming and, at times, even difficult (Waytz, 2016). However, leadership is rarely only about the task. Successful leaders hold the line on directives while executing with authentic connection and empathy. Leaders must balance directives and curiosity, which honors relationships that help to produce sustainable, quality results (Martin et al., 2016). When leaders fail to cultivate curiosity about others’ viewpoints, preventable hurdles grow, people burn out, and leaders are left in a far more challenging situation.
How can we cultivate curiosity about others’ viewpoints?
At Truist Leadership Institute, we share a model with our clients called the Balcony View: It looks like three overlapping ovals in a row with an arch over the top.
The two outer ovals represent differing points of view created from life experiences. Each perspective overlaps with the oval representing reality—but neither lens fully reflects that reality. It can be difficult to identify how our life experiences filter our perspectives and how they impact what seems like reality to us. Understanding that our perspective is largely just our perspective—not a shared reality—is how to start cultivating empathy.
The Balcony View offers something unique. It offers a relationship with others that includes connection, safety, and authenticity. Curiosity fuels empathy, creating a superpower of connection that leaders can cultivate to take their team to the next level – The Return on Investment of Workplace Relationships.
Listening is powerful. It’s the foundation of empathy. The behaviors of listening are so important, but they’re not enough. Cultivating curiosity is the beginning of understanding, and understanding is the cornerstone of empathy.