An awareness of self | Truist Leadership Institute

Many of us find ourselves more on edge or easily aggravated now. It’s understandable, given the current economic uncertainty, the pandemic, the advocacy and anti-racism protests, and the elections. But for leaders, there’s a wake of damage and destruction that could occur if we don’t get these emotions in check.

On the positive side, when today’s uncertainty starts to settle, leaders who are self-aware and focused on themselves and their team staying connected and staying together could have stronger teams on the other side. The ones who aren’t self-aware are going to have some pieces to pick up. They may be facing a long road. It doesn’t need to be that way.

It’s crucial to be aware in that moment, to have the discipline to pause and say, “Could the tone have been better in the email? Yes. Could we have a more respectful relationship? Yes. Maybe there’s a way to talk about that and set some expectations. But does this mean that my inherent worth, value, or dignity as a human being is at stake? Is my life on the line? No. So let’s not give it that level of power.”

That type of intentional thought process and level of awareness activates the prefrontal cortex. And the prefrontal cortex controls the executive function in our brain that reasons, considers pros and cons, and weighs the options: If I do this, then that may happen. When the prefrontal cortex is activated, it starts to turn the volume down on the limbic system.

Activating the prefrontal cortex in this way can help you achieve better outcomes. So when things don’t go well in that next meeting, you can say, “I’m not going to allow this to overwhelm me. It costs me too much.”

“You’re being too intense.”

I discovered my lack of self-awareness not in a crisis, but at a career peak. My wife had started an advertising company; I’d joined the organization as the boss’s husband, at the end of a U.S. recession. It was a rough beginning, but things eventually started to turn. That era, from ’03 to ’07, was a great run. Everybody was getting along and the work was inspiring. And then we grew.

And when we grew, there was a shift. Early on, I was relying on my intuition, and at that time my intensity was helpful. When we started to grow, we hired some new people and things became less intuitive.

My leadership style wasn’t working. I knew it wasn’t because I was getting specific feedback from my employees, my wife, and my daughter.

I was getting a lot of data points that were saying, “You’re too intense; there’s not a whole lot of joy in the mix.” What I’d done before wasn’t working as it used to, and it was frustrating to realize that I didn’t know how to change it.

All great work starts with self-awareness

At the time, Farr Associates, the heritage organization to the Leadership Institute, was a client. And through our work to understand them and their products, I became intrigued by their five-day program, which is now called Mastering Leadership Dynamics^TM. Eight of our teammates went through it, including me.

During those five days, we sorted through a lot of information — not just business-related. Prior to attending, I sent out 360 assessments to my teammates and colleagues, who noted their thoughts on me. The facilitators talked about how our childhood and other experiences may shape our beliefs, and how those beliefs impact our behavior as leaders.

And we spent some time pushing back on that:

For example, working hard was always something I thought was the key to success. But is that true? Is working hard the key to success when I don’t have time to play with my 3-year-old daughter?

The assessment that hit me hardest was this: How much play do you have in your life? My score was awful. Out of 100, it was a seven. My older classmates said, “You’re in your early 30s; you need to fix that.” That was a wake-up call because my high school and college friends would have never described me as a low-play person.

That five-day experience dislodged many things. I started therapy and started working with an executive job coach. I left the agency in 2013 and went back to school to get my master’s degree in social work, with a clinical focus, and ended up in the therapy and mental health field.

Fourteen years later, I came back to the Leadership Institute as a senior consultant.

There’s a price to pay either way

I might not have accomplished any of those things. Just as easily, I could have continued to not pay attention to my wants in life.

Instead, I got started on the journey to pay attention, to act on the first elements of self-awareness Mastering Leadership Dynamics revealed. It wasn’t easy; it has come with many challenges. But the payoff is definitely worth the investment.

After developing self-awareness in the five-day program, most people find more alignment and integration with who they are and what they’re about. That awareness makes them better leaders and more successful in their personal lives. And who wouldn’t want that, versus staying in the dark and rolling the dice?

On the 14-year journey I’ve spent with self-awareness, I’ve spent more time trying to figure out the difference between happiness, contentment, and joy. And while I’m not ready to quantify the number yet, my play score has definitely improved.

One week of learning, years of impact on you as a leader

Jeremy Spidell is one of the facilitators of Mastering Leadership Dynamics^TM at Truist Leadership Institute.